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Creepy or cute??

May 29th, 2009

The other day whilst surfing the internets I ran across a video of this creature called a Jeroba. Now, to my eyes this animal is a horrifying sight to behold. It looks like some deranged biological experiment gone awry. A horrible Dr. Moreau-ian nightmare. However, apparently some people find it cute. I don’t know how one would find something that looks like a rat-chicken cute, but to each his own I suppose.

See what you think…

Speaking of cute or creepy, my good friend and artist David Zapanta sent me this yesterday…

zeitcar

He cartoonized me in photoshop. It’s funny, I always knew I would make a great cartoon, and this is the final proof.

And in other news…

Father Cutie has been caught fondling his girlfriend and hence has resigned from the Catholic church.

…and earlier in the week Steve LaTourette called Rahm Emmanuel a motherfucker

Could there possibly be two more appropriately named muldoons?

This foul-mouthed dill-weed and Susan Boyle should get together and swallow a bar of soap. Hopefully they’ll both go blind from soap poisoning.

As for Father Cutie, apparently he has had the god fearin’ female population of bumfuck Florida swooning with his big blue eyes. Lame.

Seriously, is there anything lamer than a god fearing woman? A god fearing woman has it all over a god fearing man on the lameness index. I mean, who’s more lame…

…Michelle Bachmann

…or Mike Huckabee?

Sure they’re both intolerabe in their own ways, but on a sheer lameness scale Michelle Bachmann trounces Huckabee. I mean, at least he plays bass. She’s just absolutely worthless.

The bitch can’t sing

May 28th, 2009

hair

This is a shot I took of myself last night directly upon returning home from work.

I need a vacation.

These past few weeks I’ve just been exhausted all the time. Usually I take a nice long nap after work, but lately everytime I lay my head down and am about to hit the REM state, some telemarketing muldoon wakes me up. Between that and the constant cacophony of city noise raging outside my window, I feel as fried as a pork rind.

Speaking of which, I tried a different brand the other day - big mistake. It reeled me in by it’s pretty packaging and the fact that it claimed to be the ‘original’.

pork

Well, all I can say is upon the completion of the second bag I began to feel quite unwell. When I started to experience this ominously creeping feeling of malaise, I probably shouldn’t have dug into a third bag - but then again common sense was never a strong suit of mine. After a few minutes my lips swelled up and my throat felt funny. I tried to wash away the ill effects with a diet ginger ale, but alas it was to no avail. For the rest of the night I suffered, cursing the South, and their original recipe.

So it seems Susan Boyle - the old broad on that British talent show - went on an epithet laden tirade the other day. She’s been “accused of sticking two fingers up at a television and shouting ‘f*** off’, before stomping off to her room.”

Is this actually serious? ‘accused’ of sticking two fingers up at a television and shouting ‘fuck off’? I cannot believe that this is actually news. Just when I thought that the media could not sink any lower in its utter, abject, cravenly disengenuous, hyperbolic, faux indignation-ary, DONKEY SHIT…it falls to new depths. This is what is being heralded as breaking news? Some aging, caterpillar eyebrowed, dowdy spinster told a TV to go fuck itself?

I give up.

In fact, the whole Susan Boyle thing to me is a giant mound of loamy, buttery, oaty, drippy HOG PUCKEY. The bitch can’t sing ok? THE BITCH CAN’T SING. Moreover, this grotesque gnome has more ambition than Heidi and Spencer Pratt on crystal meth. I mean, she’s been doing this talent show shit for YEARS now hoping to be discovered. It boggles the mind to fathom someone as unattractive, not to mention hopelessly untalented as she having so much belief in herself. It would be inspiring if it wasn’t so irritating.

Fuck her. Fuck Susan Boyle and her lousy vibrato. She’s the little girl that would sing ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie to her parents friends and get told how great she was. Except she’s old, fat and has a face that could stop a mack truck in its tracks.

Plus I hear she curses out TVs as well…what a cunt.

The scourge of civil rights…perez hilton?

May 27th, 2009

So, Prop 8 has been upheld in the courts. I’m not surprised.

The whole thing has been totally mishandled as a ‘gay rights’ issue, with muldoons like Perez Hilton inflicting themselves as spokespeople. Unserious people should not be involved in this SERIOUS rights debate. It lessens the strength of the argument. This is a human rights issue, plain and simple. Having some irritating, purveyor of celebrity puke, as the main face of this deal has harmed the process.

This is a RIGHTS issue and should not be muddled up with the likes of perez hilton, tila tequila, or a failed beauty contestant from California. I mean, think about this for a second. The whole thing has really become a circus, obscuring the basic premise that - ALL people should have the same RIGHTS. If a heterosexual couple can ‘marry’ and receive the accompanying benefits the institution affords, then it only stands to reason that a gay couple should be afforded the SAME RIGHTS!!!… This to me is not even a strictly GAY rights issue. It’s a human rights issue.

Of course, I don’t believe in the whole ‘marriage’ thing anyway, at least not in the total bullshit way that it’s been forced down our throats. Marriage for years was a simple business agreement between families. Love was no consideration in the equation at all. The whole concept of marriage has shifted and twisted over generations. I mean it wasn’t so long ago that interracial marriage was against the law!! Can you believe it?

I can tell you with all honesty that the only woman I’ve ever seriously considered marrying was Donna Summer, when I was 8 years old…

I love it when she pauses here in the beginning and says ‘thank you’…swoon.

On other fronts, Sonia Sotomayor has been named as Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court. Was it a calculated pick being that she was an hispanic woman - yes, but to compare her to that total dunderhead Harriet Miers is ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Sotomayor graduated number ONE at PRINCETON… NUMBER ONE!! Miers graduated from some bumfuck methodist bible college. I mean, are we joking or are we joking? It’s really high time that we finally extricate ourselves from the mire of these redneck, white christian monsters once and for all.

As for Sotomayor, I’m not 100% sure about her. She’s a devout Catholic. I mean, Catholic is one thing, but DEVOUT Catholic? I didn’t even know there were any of those left - that had a mental acuity greater than warthog’s rectum that is… Still, I’ll keep an open mind.

YOUTH is beauty

May 22nd, 2009

Youth is beauty.

I know a lot of people like to say ‘TRUTH’ is beauty, and that’s correct too, but if we’re simply talking the corporal plain, then youth has got it all over truth.

I call it ‘the Eisenhower phenomenon’

Young Ike
youngike

Old Ike
oldike

From hottie to toad in 40 years- youth is beauty. Even ugly people are somewhat beautiful when they’re young.

It’s funny, you know what the worst thing about getting old is? When you’re YOUNG you THINK you know everything… WHen you’re OLD you KNOW you know everything. I’d so much prefer to THINK I know, as it’s such a major drag to KNOW that you do. For me, nothing’s fresh, everything’s boring and the air around me once crackling with electrical current is now stale with the faint whiff of the necrosis of my soul. How many museums, drives through the country, restaurants and intimate chats at some cafe can you have in a lifetime before it all starts to feel like cheap carbon copy bullshit?

This is why people stay in loveless marriages I guess. They’d rather be in a meaningless relationship than face the reality that you can only cover the same old ground so many times before it all becomes performance.

However.. this is where TRUTH comes in for me. I can’t abide ‘performing’ in some phony relationship just because its some erroneous societal dictum. I’d rather be alone with my boyardee and pork rinds for the rest of my life than play a role in a lousy movie.

In other words, I’m not gonna play Booger in Revenge Of the nerds part II: Nerds in Paradise and no one can make me.

Boyardee days and Ramen nights…

May 21st, 2009

Ever since the ex-gf moved out, I’ve been trying to live very conservatively.

I must admit, the prospect of taking on the full cost of the apartment had me a tad worried. After all, it’s an expensive city and a large rent. Still, I cut back, tightened the proverbial belt a bit and lo and behold not only did I not go under financially, I actually saved some money. Apparently living with someone costs more than living alone - even with the added expense of paying the landlord all on your own.

Of course, certain sacrifices need to me made. You know, little things here and there you need to go without - like actual food.

For the past couple of months, I’ve subsisted on Chef Boyardee, fried pork rinds, raisin bran crunch mini packs, ramen noodles and diet ginger ale. Now, you foodies out there might gasp at this epicurian abomination, but for what it lacks in taste and nutrition, it makes up for in value. Moreover, I can report back to you all with an educated review on every type of Chef Boyardee they put out - and they put out a lot. After trying every variety, I can relay two major observations…

They’re all orange, and they all make you shit….a lot.

In fact, I’d highly recommend a Boyardee, if you’re feeling slightly irregular. I don’t lie, after downing a can of Boyardee, within 15 minutes, trust me - you’ll be in the middle of a Boyar-dump. The stuff is better than ex-lax.

Whenever I relay my Boyardee diet to interested parties, they can’t believe it, especially the fact that I eat it directly out of the can. I don’t bother with all that fancy ‘heating up’ crap. First off, it just means I have to clean up a pot, and besides it’s just going to get cold anyway in 5 seconds. I try to cut out the middle man whenever and wherever I can.

Truth is, I don’t mind eating this junk. I’m no foodie, so what do I care? These are the types of personality quirks that eventually fuck up all my relationships. Most people enjoy the small joys of life, such as a good meal, or going out to a ’show’ - whatever that means. I on the other hand am fully capable of never leaving the house, and fortifying myself on canned comestibles.

Eventually worlds collide.

I’m ok though. I don’t need much. All my life I’ve been telling people that I don’t need anything from anyone, and that I would be perfectly fine living like a complete hermit, and guess what? I was right.

Sucka-asses!

Rousing from my slumber…

May 20th, 2009

Ok, ok, I accept your condemnation, I’ve been a little remiss as far as the writing of this here blog’s concerned. I tell you though, after the year long run at Nerve prattling, and shmattling on about relationship bullshit, my circuitry died like a bad cellphone. Anyway, apropos to Nerve, let me do a little promoting for my friend and fellow Nerve blogger Emma AKA Airhead Genius. She’s got a new blog of her own, which she’s informed me is WILDLY POPULAR!! So although she probably does not need any help on my end as far as promotion is concerned, I shall let you know where you enjoy it…

AIRHEADGENIUS

I was reading this blurb on Bristol Palin this morning that truly mystified me. Apparently she’s been quoted as saying “If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex… trust me. Nobody.” As if the consequences of sex inevitably result in shitting out a screaming devil spawn.

How about using a fucking condom you mentally challenged pinhead?

Or.. if you have the misfortune of getting yourself knocked up… TERMINATE THE PREGNANCY. Kill it!!! Rip that demon right out of your snatch. You see there are many consequences that result from fucking, and having some unwanted rug-rat is not a foregone conclusion…that is uunless you’re some fucking shit for brains Alaskan hick that doesn’t know her ass from her ear.

This is why I hate the world, because nimrod muldoons like this dumb-ass are SPOKESPEOPLE!!

In other news, the media is still trying to sell this whole Swine Flu mania I guess they figure with all the hysterical parents out there there’s still some mileage in the story. Fuck those craven cocksuckers. I’m eating my pork rinds and tongue kissing random hacking, phlegmy fucks stumbling about on the street. I don’t give a fuck. I love how the NY Post runs a cover story on the Swine Flu every day trying to terrorize the masses, yet they do it with such fucking cutesy headlines like ‘PIGGY BACK’…

I’m not afraid. I’ve got nothing to fear, not even fear itself.

Kelly Clarkson should lay off the cheeseburgers!! Vinnegut Shmonnegut!!

May 12th, 2009

I can’t watch the news anymore.

It’s just all so shoddy, crass and irrelevant. The ‘stories’ being covered ad nauseum by the supposedly legitimate press are an absolute disgrace. To me, hearing them scoff about bloggers is a complete joke. They are worse. They cover pure shit in order to get ratings to make the rich conglomerates richer. They are in point of fact all evil.

So now for some totally relevant breaking news…

Where was I when Kelly Clarkson morphed into a combination of Greg Allman, Meatloaf and Mama Cass?

clark

To tell the truth, I really have no idea who Kelly Clarkson is other than a vague knowledge that she used to be on American Idol. All I know is thunder thighs better get her fat ass to Duane Reade pronto and pick herself up some fucking Frizz-ease, and a carton of laxatives.

It pains me that my head is filled with all this white noise. I know, I know.. it’s my fault for paying attention. Sue me for having a brain like a sponge.

Last night I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up and watched the movie adaptation of ‘Slaughterhouse Five’. It was released in the ’72 and directed by George Roy Hill of ‘The Sting’ fame. God, what an irritating movie. I’ve never read the book, although it’s been recommended to me many a time over the years. I’ve got a good friend who loves Vonnegut, but at the risk of alienating him, I’ve always had an intuition that he’s completely un-fun.

Ok…I sort of lied when I said I never read the book, I did indeed make an attempt at it once, when I was determined to read the whole post war anti-hero canon. Unfortunately I was so bored, I could only make it about half way through. The movie was even worse. The main character is played by this guy Michael Sacks, who I’ve never heard of, and for good reason. This guy couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag, and he possessed this off-putting vibe that grated on me to no end. For some reason though, I watched it ‘til the bitter end.

Bold statement… Vonnegut’s overrated. I hate Kurt Vonnegut. I never finished any of his books, but I will throw out my completely uninformed opinion as if it was the gold standard.. you know why? Because I can damn you! Vonnegut tenderly feathers his tongue on roasted monkey testicles, and sniffs dolphin farts. Yeah, yeah, I know he’s dead.. he’s doing it in the afterlife too!

Beginning again… and Rihanna’s stealth tits..

May 11th, 2009

Ok, time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!!!…

As some of you may know my blog over at Nerve got cancelled, which to tell you the truth was ok by me. I was totally burned out over there. I mean a year of writing about sex and relationships was getting to be pretty nightmarish. Besides, who the hell am I giving advice on relationships? I’m the last person you wanna listen to on that topic believe me!

So, on to greener pastures I say…I haven’t written here in a while, as I got too lazy to write two blogs at the same time…but now I’m back.

rihanna

First things first… For those of you that hadn’t heard, there’ve been some nude photos of Rihanna - the alien headed, cowpatty for a hair do, mongoloid - going around the internet and I must say..’not bad’.

Rihanna’s got STEALTH TITS…

You see, stealth tits are when you think a chick’s got small cans, but when you see em naked, they’re much bigger than you’d imagined. This is quite a pleasant surprise for any lucky fella - or carpet muncher - I can tell you! The opposite of stealth tits is, what I like to call…WTF? tits. Those are the ones that seem totally jugger-ific but turn out to be ordinary run of the mill shirt pancakes.

The 5 head, freak has gone a few points up in my book. Plus she’s got a nipple ring, which of course means she’s a total perverted nympho which is always super. Personally, I’m not into the whole nipple ring thing, as I’m not quite sure what the turn on’s supposed to be… I like my turn ons upfront and obvious.

Anyway, I still think her music sucks, but maybe she can do some porn and redeem herself fully in my eyes.

Apes love face

February 20th, 2009

ap

Bachmann ‘turns my stomach’ Overdrive

February 19th, 2009

bach

Michelle Bachmann has been flapping her trap again, and the results are absolute gold.

Whilst giving an interview to Chris Brown (whoever this muldoon is) she shat out the usual Repiglican talking points concerning the stimulus package. However, in addition to that she threw in this beautiful little nugget….’America is running out of RICH people’.

Seriously?

You know how they say ‘the truth can only be revealed under times of stress?’… You don’t? Ok… I just made it up. Still it’s true! I mean, just look at the Repiglican Party? These past few years they’ve come undone – they’re the Captain Queeg of American politics. Every time I hear one of these muldoons talk I expect them to start playing with some metal ball bearings. Some say that this is a ‘new’ party, one that simply takes their lead from the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity, but I say they’re the same as they’ve always been.

Michelle Bachmann is business as usual. She has the mental acuity of a lobotomized chipmunk, the ‘us vs. them’ attitude pumped to Nazi levels, and a personality like ASS. I tell you, part of me enjoys the public spectacle of watching these morons go down the tubes, but another part of me worries about them. I mean, Bush was voted in TWICE. This is a trauma I shall never truly recover from.

Below are some tidbits from the Bachmann interview… Read them at the risk of head explosion.

* ACORN is “under federal indictment for voter fraud,” but the stimulus bill nevertheless gives ACORN “$5 billion.” (In reality, ACORN is not under federal indictment and isn’t mentioned in the stimulus bill at all.)
* many members of Congress have “a real aversion to capitalism.”
* the stimulus bill includes a measure to create a “rationing board” for health care, and after the bill becomes law, “your doctor will no longer be able to make your healthcare decisions with you.”
* the recovery package is part of a Democratic conspiracy to “direct” funding away from Republican districts, so Democratic districts can “suck up” all federal funds. Bachmann doesn’t think this will work because, as she put it, “We’re running out of rich people in this country.”
* the “Community-Organizer-in-Chief” is also orchestrating a conspiracy involving the Census Bureau, which the president will use to redraw congressional lines to keep Democrats in power for up to “40 years.” When the host said he was confused, noting that congressional district lines are drawn at the state level, Bachmann said Obama’s non-existent plan is an “anti-constitutional move.”