Childhood Melancholia

I didn’t have a very happy childhood, one might say it was an intolerable misery.. It may not have been quite Oliver Twist, but I’d certainly put it up against that nimrod Dylan Klebold and his moronic pal any day of the week, and yet somehow I managed to get out of it without blowing anyone’s head off - or my own for that matter..

All that being said, when I look back in my mind’s eye to the days of yon and yore, all my memories are shaded in the sad maroon of my tormented youth… For years I thought of the 80s as a decade filled with extreme melancholy, and I’d just assumed that it was I who was supplying this silvery vein of tristesse that flowed through my reminiscence like the river Styx..

However, with the power of YouTube, I can now go back with an objective eye an re-watch all the crap that I spent hour upon hour soaking up into my pre-adolescent brain like some forlorn sea cucumber.. What I’ve discovered is that in point of fact, the 80s were indeed a decade infused with an odd malaise that is quite unmistakable…

Every theme song to every kid’s show is invariably in a ponderous minor key that is totally at odds with it’s supposed intent.. It was this pschizoid dichotomy, that pervaded the entire culture and established a context to my generation that was all at once sickeningly saccharine and inexplicably anxious…

Below are some examples (god bless you YouTube) of exactly what I mean…

The Great Space Coaster

This show came on just as I was getting ready to get my ass to school, so as a result I really never got to see much more of it than this intro… Note the odd suspended chords, and haunting middle eight… It fills one with a horribly uneasy sense of solitude… God DOES play dice with the universe, and he drives a great space coaster…

Big Blue Marble

Continuing with the ‘space theme’ let us examine ‘Big Blue Marble’.. God this one always gave me the creeps.. It still does actually… This was a show intended to teach kids about other cultures around the world, but it just made me wanna sit tight and curl up in a ball in the corner of my room clutching my beloved stuffed Snoopy.. Again, note the obligatory minor key and eerie feel to the melody…

3-2-1 Contact

The ominous theme playing in the background whilst the hosts of varying politically correct ethnicities introduce the topics of the day gives off a jittery feeling of foreboding.. The minor key commonality is in full effect, and the ‘countdown’ theme always made me think of nuclear holocaust… This show is notable for it’s recurring feature ‘The Bloodhound Gang’ which that horrible 90s band nicked their name from..

Vegetable Soup

The Parliament-esque theme song is nicely funky, but in contrast to the nightmarish cartoon characters it all adds up to an overall creepiness that gives me the willies.. Again, this was a show about other cultures, and intended to engender a feeling tolerance for all walks of life – a recurring theme to children’s shows of the early 80s.. It actually had a reverse effect, instilling in me an odd fear of ‘the other’..

The intro to the 4:30 Movie

This 2001: a Space Odyssey inspired intro ran throughout my entire childhood…The melody has an undeniable sadness, which perfectly complimented the time frame.. 4:30, where everything's bathed in an unsettling half-light, or what's commonly referred to as the “gloaming”.. As this came on, you'd be just home from school, recuperating from the mental and physical trauma of the day, comfort eating; soaking your Frankenberry with salty tears.. OK!! I’m supplying my own shit here.. SUE ME!! Side note: the ABC 4:30 movie was the venue for ‘Planet of the Apes Week’, which was one of the few highlights of my boyhood..

Chiller Theater

Uh.. This really needs no commentary.. holy fuck, I think I just shat my pants..

So, is it just me?.. I think not.. Anyone with half a brain can plainly see that there is some subversive thread of disquietude which permeates all of these examples.. This poses the question.. Why?

Well, the 80s were certainly a time filled with anxiety; the end of the Cold War; the nuclear threat; AIDS; the rise of the religious right; and the list goes on… Still, right now, we’re mired in a period in history equal if not greater to the 80s in terms of collective societal panic.. Yet, our culture hardly reflects it at all..

Draw your own conclusions, but personally I think it might have something to do with the public.. Perhaps the answer lies in the systematic assault on the intelligence of an entire culture, and said culture’s inevitable and inexorable collapse..

Reflecting further upon all of this, it makes me long for my childhood melancholia.. Thank god for YouTube.. Now if I can only find my stuffed Snoopy… I think it’s somewhere stored away in my parent’s garage..